I've been trying to run this through my head in just the right way to make it as much of an interesting and memory filled update as possible. It’s actually taken me a week to do too, as it is 11pm Sunday evening a week after the stag and I have just finished writing! 12 pages, 7150 words and probably a whole page of live journal friends list went in to this, but of course, NO LJ CUTS!
I'd like to start off by thanking everyone for coming; it was always going to be a great weekend purely because of the people involved. You guys are hilarious to be around and the rapport we share is second to none. You are like brothers and I can't imagine going through growing up without you fellas there to ridicule and haze me along the way, it just would not be right.
So my weekend began with me clocking off at work, my team mates begged me to return injured and bald so they could laugh at me, I left with the feeling this weekend may very well be my last! (A feeling not at all helped by the words "You’re a dead man Bass" from Lloyd and "Please don't die this weekend" from Claire)
I got back, Claire had packed for me, my mum begins giving me talks on not getting my stomach pumped, no jumping off of balconies to my death, don't talk to strangers etc, more and more I am wondering what a stag do really entails and whether I am man enough to actually go through with the torture. Claire drove me to Calvin's, I leave to the words "Bye, I hope you come back ok!!"
It begins!
The second I entered the house I felt like a lamb entering a wolves abode, to me everyone had that glint in their eye "We're going to get you!!" we had to wait for John to drag himself together before we could go, and this just added to the suspense and anticipation of the weekend. I kept slipping views of somebody running past with something under arm, top secret and not to be viewed by me until it was too late.
Finally Asbo arrived; we got going in Biggsies car. We scarcely made it over the QE2 Bridge before Lloyd let slip we were on our way to Brighton. Cue angry wolves screaming CUUUUUNT from our car and Daves (Via phone) not content with seeing Lloyd skinned alive for his slip I revealed that John had also let slip the fact he had bought T Shirts for me to wear. Another round of CUUUUUUUUUUNT ensued from Car 1 and 2. The rest of the trip was relatively cunt free except for Lloyd getting locked in the car by mistake while the rest of us ate in a service station.
Once we reached Brighton we had little trouble finding our destination, I heard the word hostel from Gregg and immediately pictured a dingy hive where people paid to murder one another for fun, but it turned out Belushis was the other kind of hostel, the good kind! This place was brilliant; I felt it was a spot on environment for me and for the lads. Our rooms were what we needed, a shower, a toilet and bunk beds. I shared a room with Dave, Paul and Brookes, a combination that I felt would keep me well haired and penis free all weekend.
Not knowing what was planned I got ready to go out and ventured back down stairs to the bar. Immediately I was presented with a mask by Dave which, I was told, I had to wear for the entire weekend, then Biggs handed me a badge to wear which advised people of the size of my manhood, and finally they handcuffed a sheep to me which I was advised "signified my unborn child, and had to be protected for the entire weekend to prove I could handle fatherhood" (ok more like "Its yer baby innit, don't kill it or you’re a shit dad!")
We were about to leave and Dave added the finishing touches to my appearance with the addition of the word WANKER across my back on an A4 sheet of paper.
Our first port of call was a bar in town, everyone was getting beers in left right and centre and the mood was in full swing. We began playing drinking games, mainly which centralized on getting John and Biggs to down their pints, once we were sufficiently not sober (I refuse to call it drunk!) we ventured on to our next destination, which I soon found was "The Spearmint Rhino" - a strip club!
I have never been in one before so felt rather daunted by the thought of my first venture inside being one where my humiliation was the theme of the weekend. Once in the door the bouncer was buoyant, he told us the rules, gave us the nod we were allowed in, and up we went. For a strip club it was nothing like I imagined it would be. In films they are always seedy smoke filled rooms with dirty old men leering everywhere and toothless women dancing for fivers. The women in this place were on the whole beautiful, we all grabbed seats and instantly I was being walked away for a private Dance as Dave paid my way. Again the feeling of dread came over me, "What the hell do I do?!" I thought to myself, "What can I do? Enjoy it of course!" The stripper clearly knew I hadn't done this before and she made sure I felt at ease. Trying to drum up some business she asked me "What’s your mates name, he’s so fit!" I pointed over to the group "That’s Dave, but if you want my advice John and Biggs are the mugs, aim for them" she noted it in her mind, and then the song came on. I always imagined it would feel rather uncomfortable having a stranger gyrating around in front of you naked, but it turns out its actually fucking brilliant, she danced and I relaxed, so far it felt good to be a stag, especially with an excellent group of mates and a room full of naked ladies to ogle.
I was barely back to my seat from dance number 1 when I was sent straight back by the ladz for dance number 2. This stripper confused me at first, as she had something in her hand and kept putting it over her face, it took me a good few seconds to realize that it was a mask, and then a minute or so more before I realized it was a mask of Claire! It was creepy as the eyes had been stabbed out and the stripper kept putting it to her face and shrieking with laughter, she danced gave me back the mask (which I quickly destroyed I hasten to add!) and was back in my seat for barely another minute before Gregg sent me on my way for another private dance. This one was double due to a buy one get one free deal they seemed to have going, and by this point I think everyone was enjoying the atmosphere (and of course boobies!) and filling their boots with dances.
Once my dances had finished, I rejoined the group and we reached the conclusion it was time to leave. Biggs decided to whack out his camera on the way out to photograph the group leaving but was pounced on by a bouncer who went through all of his pictures to ensure he hadn’t snuck in a cheeky tit or thong anywhere. We decided to go back to the previous bar stopping off for one of hundreds of chips consumed over the course of the weekend. The rest of the night was a drunken blur, dancing, beers, pictures, Lloyd spent 10 minutes telling me I was an institution in the Ryan household, then Gregg telling me how great I was, which put me in the loving mood and meant I spent the next half hour or so telling everyone else how great they were. Paul got in a small tiff with a lesbian who thought it outrageous that a man would talk to a woman in a club and not realize she was gay, I almost made it worse trying to stick up for him. Chris tried to pour beer into my mouth for a picture but in reality he just poured it down the front of me drenching me in the stench of booze. Once most of us were ready to leave we went back to Belushis, everyone pretty much went to bed but Paul was defiant and wanted to stay up until he had finished his “Jamasons” as he kept calling it, I soon realized he meant Jameson’s and talks like a spaz. It was about 3:30 by the time I decided to go to bed, however the arrival back of Dave and Biggs (who had stayed a bit later at the bar) prolonged the wait for sleep. Dave respectfully took the girl he had met out on to the balcony, as to keep her private and also not to disturb us. Her friend, and Biggs however decided to come into the room guns blazing, she rolled into bed next to Brookes who I heard shouting "What the fucks going on ere?!" and Biggsie weaselling around trying to introduce us or something. I, on the bunk above Brookes lean over and tell the girl (who I had decided to name "You there") to get the fuck out of our room, Biggs obviously trying his luck starts saying "its awright, she’s not causing any trouble" after much abuse of the both of them the girls 3rd mate arrives at our door and takes “you there" away. Thinking that’s the worst of it out of the way we tell Biggs to fuck off to bed and leave us alone, he wants to wait for Dave to pull the girl he has with him (we assume he is waiting because he wants to watch them have sex, Christ knows what else he was doing?!) getting tired of his presence Brookes and Paul both drag Biggs out of the door whilst I hurl abuse from above, being the rat he is Biggs escapes their grasp and crawls under Daves bunk bed. Suddenly there is a knock at the door, it seems to be the manager, a big man who looks like he could kill you with his mind, his accent sounded eastern to me, and only added to his killer persona.
Him - "Can yoo keep it down pleaze or I will have to evikt yoo"
Me - "We're trying to go to sleep mate, but that fucking cunt under the bed won’t leave us alone!"
Him - "Come out fvrom under therre sir"
*Silence*
Me - "He is definitely there, he's just pretending!!!"
Him - "Sir, come out fvrom zere now Or I will have to throw you out!"
Biggs - "Um bein' qwuiyt as uh maause thooo"
Him - "Come on, come out of there" - he looks under the bed surprised that there actually is someone there.
Biggs decided to crawl out the smallest way possible almost getting himself stuck for a moment, and apologizes to the man in the door way, finally he leaves us alone. Dave walks in and says goodnight to the girl he was talking to, and the entire room falls silent enough for us to go to sleep, its 4:30 am and someone says "Right, we have to be up by 8 so night lads" it took me half an hour to fall asleep, all the while wary that I could wake up without eye brows.
So not even 3 hours later we wake up and get ready. Me and Dave head downstairs to get our breakfasts, the man who came to our doors the night before is at the bar serving people.
“Sorry about last night!” we say, he apologizes too. “I’ve never seen anything like it! I looked under your bed and there is this enourmous arse staring back at me, I could not believe it!” He says, we kind of laugh it off, and take our toast off to join the group. My mask goes back on straight after eating and I am told we are heading off for the next event of the weekend:
Mud Buggies.
At first, I wasn't sure what to expect with this, I was worried I would lose control and crash, this was to be the point where it all ends and I wind up dead I thought. Luckily I was wrong. We all got in our respective cars, Dave felt a bit too drunk from the night before and so Chris opted to drive instead to save him the hassle. Once we got there we found the sight for the racing was also a farm, the farmer who owned the land had basically turned the muddiest of his fields into a race course which I thought was rather clever!
We were given our gear and plastic overalls to protect our clothes then sat down to be given the rules, I remember sitting there looking around the circle, everyone was feeling the same as me, tired and a bit hung over (or Drunk in Daves case!) but ready for fun.
The format consisted of 4 buggies, and a very very muddy course, we each took a turn to race with 3 different people, using a different car each time. Cars 1 and 2 had a distinct advantage over cars 3 and 4 as they started in 1st and 2nd place (obviously) and 3 and 4 had to wait for them to go before they could go otherwise they would crash thus incurring the wrath of the red flag (2 red flags and 1 black flag then you are disqualified and kicked out for unsafe driving, plus each red flag meant 2 and then 4 points being lost!!) I started my first race in Car 2, Paul was in Car 1, looking at the course and speed of the Buggies I thought this meant I would finish 2nd by default but when the flag was waved for us to begin I steamed ahead and took pole position, the entire race I felt like I was miles ahead, and I crossed the finish line flawlessly. Thinking I had to then stop straight away I hit the break, not realizing the entire race Paul had been hot on my tail and right behind me, so of course straight away he hits into the back of me. I don't think he got a flag for this one, but it put him on the radar straight away. Gregg, Dave, Calv and Brookes all won races at least once, I went on to come 2nd in car 1, 4th in car 3 and second in car 4. Paul continued to wreak havoc in every race, running Lloyd off in his second and Biggs in his third race, whilst John managed to crash his car on the training drive and in car 3 I managed to spend most of the circuit driving over the tires that outlined the course and crashing into walls as I veered to the left permanently due to a bad steering wheel.
It came to announcing who was through to the final race, Paul come last due to 2 red flags (losing him 6 points) and generally not winning, Lloyd and John were also quite unfortunate to have pretty much lost all of their races. Dave and Gregg came joint first. Dave won the choice of which car to drive and picked car 1 as it started in pole, a good choice if you want to win the tournament of course, Gregg on the other hand made the shock decision to pick car 4 instead of my personal favourite car 2. Sadly Brookes came third and so got the pick of either car 2, or the measly car 3 with no steering. Picking the other car most likely to win he was left with the choice of letting me into the final as the stag, or letting 4th place take it instead. It turned out though I was 4th place, and so I got in on merit! Merit, for the first time in my life instead of default!! My joy at hearing the words "on merit" was quickly replaced with despair as I realized I had to race in Car 3! I gave myself a talk of Micky (from Rocky) proportions and geared up for the race.
The race began, and I was instantly in 4th place but driving for dear life. The first lap we had to stay in lane and so overtaking was harder to do, but by the second lap I was close to Gregg in car 4 and took a corner so hard I wound up driving over the tires again. I found out after the race I also ran Gregg off of the course there too, and he also wound up on the tires, but during the race I had taken 3rd place and was driving onwards to try and keep it, cars 1 and 2 with the DB's in were so far ahead there was no chance of a phoenix from the flames revival and I got through the race 3rd place whilst Gregg drove on behind no doubt questioning why the hell he picked car 4 when he had complete control over the decision!
Upon completing the race I again crashed into the tires and wound up grounding my vehicle, the 2 men that run the mud buggies had to try in vain to lift me out of the trouble but me + a buggy is heavy work so it took a fair few tries for them to achieve it. After a quick clean up of our hands etc (but not our faces) we got presented with medals on the winner’s podium, Dave came first and was given a bottle of fizzy stuff which sprayed out and completely emptied the bottle leaving nothing to drink. Brookes came second, and I received my bronze, we then upset Biggs by hugging him and covering him in mud, and off we went to the second event with him sulking the entire way, and the two guys that run the whole thing suffering massive hernias from carrying me off of the tires.
The second event of the day was Paintball.
For this I was presented with a new T Shirt, this one had a massive target on the front of it, and a picture of me on the back.
We got our gear together and then whilst I slipped off to the loos the teams were set out, I returned to find it was Me, Biggs, John, Paul and Chris, plus a group of 12 year olds who were there together for the day, vs Dave, Brookes, Calvin, Lloyd and Gregg, plus a group of middle aged men who were also on a stag do and looked like they had probably fought in a few wars already!
The slight imbalance in teams meant that we instantly lost every game, highlights of the battles included Paul "Liability" White continuing his habit of rule breaking by ignoring every bullet that hit him. "I thought head wounds didn't count!!" and "Surely getting shot on the gun doesn't count?!" along with "Its only splatter, I've not been hit!!" (Not forgetting he also accidentally shot Chris in the back at point blank range in the gun loading area before the games!!)
First game I went out to a shot I thought had burst, but it turned out I was looking at the red circle of the target, and whilst thinking I was shot, I wound up getting shot thrice in the back. Second game I decided to find out how much it really hurt being shot by just kamikaze running towards team win shouting “WANKERRRRS” to edge them on.
In the second game we had to capture a flag and run it into the other teams base, the first round we were in a small fort and the other team were in a church further up the playing field, all of our team basically garrisoned our fort and admittedly I did not leave either because I knew full well I would not make it to the flag and church alive. However whilst I had decided to try and win by taking out all of the other team when they went for the flag (as had the other lads) the kids on our team preferred to just fire aimlessly at the walls and anything that moved, and generally used all their bullets up. I went out the back of our fort to find one of them hiding back there sitting down; my outrage was only matched later on when one of them, in full view of a warden, took his goggles off and cost us points we didn’t have. The next round I had scarcely any bullets left and we were the ones in the church, (we basically swapped roles each round) I shouted to the kids not to waste their bullets as we were not going to leave our base and we had very little ammo, this was met with complete ignorance as I heard them one by one shout "I'm out of bullets!!" whilst the rest of us were getting lower and lower, and eventually run out too. Eventually Gregg just pretty much walked into our base without opposition with the flag, I feigned death to avoid being shot and walked out literally steaming with anger (well I was hot, but I was annoyed and when I took my helmet off there was actual steam emanating from me!) I tried in vain to get the teams switched around, the stag do men were willing but the kids were not, which only fuelled my anger further. In the next round I again offered an idea of tactics which was again not met with agreement and thusly we all wound up pinned behind wooden walls. I lay on the floor taking people out as they went for the flag, at one point someone ran out of nowhere past me, I reacted by firing the second I saw them, only to find it was John, my team member, and I had shot him point blank in the ankle, he went down like a sack of bricks, it hadn’t burst but it had definitely hindered his walking!
We actually drew that round, through nothing more than stalemate though, and then switched ends, I had enough bullets to see the last round through with fun and got myself in a decent position ready to attack anyone I saw. I got about 3-4 people in this round and was quite pleased as in the others I had only managed 1 or 2, and the odd dubious one where it could have been mine or anyone else's. I was most proud of shooting someone whilst peeping through a gap in my wooden wall, I stuck my gun over the top and fired wildly only to see them drop their head in despair and raise their arm to signal their death. Gregg told me later I also got him, which again meant I had a pretty decent round, however we lost no doubt due to the lack of intelligence from our younger allies.
After running out of bullets I thought to myself "There is only one way this can end, and that is death too" So I raised my arm before a bullet could find me, and left the battlefield thinking I had got the better of the Paintball Gods and today was my day to survive unscathed and relatively paint free...
Thinking it was time to leave I started making my way back, only to hear "Will the members of the stag do please come this way" I suddenly remembered my place in the weekend, I was the patsy! Anything paint ball related was surely going to be painful I thought, and considered all my options. I could either leave for the car and brand myself a loser for life, or go with it and take it like a man. I almost opted for loserdom but decided I couldn't face it and went for being a man. I kind of regretted it when I caught up with the group to find that I and the other stag had to do a "stag run"
I tried to be clever like the other stag that had included his best man in the run, and invite my best men to join me. Having 5 meant that there would be less people to shoot me, and more people to take bullets off of me, obviously I wasn't going to get off that easily so I had to venture forward with the other stag and his best man. The 3 of us discussed how this was inevitably going to be horrible and unpleasant, exchanged “When’s your wedding” stories like it seems everyone getting married does, and then were told our roles in the stag run game. We basically had to run forward, towards a firing squad, to a finish post on an old battered looking brick wall in front of the firing squad, taking as many bullets as we could.
I decided the best course of action was to shout "YOUR ALL A BUNCH OF PUSSIES!!!!!!" at the firing squad, if I was going down I would do it my way, I made sure both hands were firmly placed on my bollocks and the whistle went. I ran forward getting shot left right and centre then realized if I turned around my bollocks were safe and I could make it out slightly less injured, cue a good 15 or so shots to the ass and back before I made it to the wall for safety, the other stag was caught in no man’s land for a little while longer before making it out so I also got to stand and watch him take a pasting. I couldn't sit down for a few minutes but all in all it was a laugh and I felt better for doing it than chickening out (though I doubt I would have got away with playing chicken anyway!)
After this we set off back to the hostel for a much needed shower, having not bought towels Lloyd volunteered to go out and find us the nearest store that sold them, after a good hour or so he returned with a decent towel, and I later found he saved himself the gayest towel in history thinking he had given me the “bad one” which earned him much laughter and criticism.
After a nice shower we got dressed up for a night on the town, the mask went back on but tonight I didn’t have to wear the sheep and badge. I got downstairs and found the sheep and badge were only the tip of the iceberg, I was given a disgusting T-shirt with a picture of me from last year, vomiting down myself on the pub golf day we played (where I wound up in A+E). Underneath this vile picture were the words “Would YOU Marry him?!” on the back were the options “YES” and “NO” which I was advised was going to be surveyed to the women of Brighton. I managed to negotiate a target, 40 answers and I could take it off, we went out looking for somewhere to eat, along the way we asked people the question, I got a surprising amount of yes’ from younger women (We think it was the mask) eventually we settled upon an Indian buffet. I think the people in there were not too grateful to see such a disgusting picture whilst eating their food but they did find the fact we were a stag do something to smile about.
Lloyds friend Rick arrived whilst we were eating and then once done we set off out to get some drinks in. It was too early for a club at this point so we opted for going to the pub first of all. It was extremely over crowded, but we bumped into the stag do from Paintball, who I ignorantly didn’t recognize, but still spoke to as if I did before being told who they were. John proceeded to ask people answers for the shirt, I got a decent amount of Yes’ (by the time we were there it was about 10 yes’ and 1 no from a hideous old lady at a cash machine) One woman asked me to take off my mask, it was so hot in the pub that I didn’t want to because I was physically dyeing from heat, so when it was clear I wasn’t handling the temperature very well we ventured outside with our drinks. We were barely out there a minute when a lowly tramp appeared.
Polish Tramp: Do any of you guyz av a cigarette?
Group: Resounding “NOOOO”
Polish Tramp: Well wanna buy my big issue???
Group: Even more resounding “NOOOO”
Polish Tramp: Its ma birthdaaay 9th of December...then it’s nearly Christmas too, why not buy my Big Issue?
We made it clear we weren’t interested in this man’s snake oil and he left us alone with the memory of his voice to impersonate for the rest of the evening. We continued to drink for a while and he resurfaced hassling another couple with his big issue demands and the fact it was nearly his birthday, I gathered a few more sentences to impersonate him with and we left the pub for a nearby club.
The music in this club was insane, but strangely most of us loved it. The first song they played kept making the noise “Whaaa” every 10 seconds or so, which then seamlessly linked into another song which made a “pop” noise every 10 seconds too (like when you flick your finger in your cheek) Dave proceeded to sing along, which was funny, then there was another seemless link into the longest song in history which we think was called “Where iz da man?” which basically said “Where iz da man?” every 15 seconds or so, then about 45 minutes later ended “Da man iz on da beat!” and started over again. Brilliant stuff, we thought the song had ended when the music changed, but it was merely a recap over the “whaa” and “pop” songs before a full rendition of “Where iz da man” ensued.
The lads all started getting shots in, I opted out citing health reasons as I did not fancy destroying my possibly fragile liver and kidneys but was happy enough to drink steadily and test the waters with beers first. Rick continued his reputation of vomiting every time he consumed alcohol by vomiting after his first, second and third shots!! When he returned from vomit number 3 he was thrilled to find shots 4 and 5 awaiting him on the table!!
Rick had clearly had enough of that, and time was pushing on so we decided to head for the club, when we arrived with our queue jumping tickets we found that we were jumping a queue of 3 people and so we got in straight away but no quicker than we would have done normally. At first we went down to the dance floor, I had a look around to see what kind of place it was, and then this mighty beast tried to hug me, she was noted by all as one to avoid for the evening instantly, although her appearance would of been enough proof.
We ventured upstairs to sit on the balcony area overlooking the dance floor, and after a while I began to feel a headache coming on. I think it was mainly the music (which to be honest was shit) but I didn’t feel good and so sat watching the lads dancing below. I saw the beast floating around like a shark at a beach, and eventually Biggs was caught in her snares. I asked Chris if he fancied nipping out and catching a quick movie but the stupid cinemas of Brighton stopped showing at 11pm so we were stuck with me feeling ill. After a long period of people watching we went downstairs to join the group, I saw we were in the presence of the midget from the capital FM adverts, who bowled around the club as if he owned the place, and much to my delight I also spied him talking to a woman who was standing 3 steps down from him on a staircase to be at eye level with him, PRICELESS!! There was also a hideous woman who looked like she may of had down’s syndrome who got into a cat fight and had 3 bouncers drag her out whilst John held on to the bouncer pretending to be whisked away in the ruckus.
Eventually we left the club, on the way out discovering a room downstairs that might have suited us better, different music, more women for the single lads, and a more casual arrangement where we could be a group and own the place, though the lights in there looked mental and would have probably desolated my brain even further with pain.
We started back for the hostel stopping for more chips along the way, someone managed to smack Biggs in the groin too which was quite funny. As we neared the hostel I began to think again that perhaps there was more danger ahead for me in this evening and sure enough as we neared the doors someone shouted to John as if trying to make him realize something, I quickly sped past him realizing that the something he hadn’t realized was I was standing next to a pole perfect for handcuffing to. We reached the hostel and Gregg tried again to lure me out under the guise of a group photo, but I didn’t rise to this bate and we went inside.
The hostel was quite lively for a Saturday night/Sunday morning, which was great. My headache was starting to go but I did feel ill for about an hour at first. Eventually half the group had gone to bed, whilst I, Biggs, John, Dave and Paul stayed up talking. Biggs went to the bar to talk to someone, and then after a while John being the rat he is also opted for the bar, not a minute later Biggs returns, and we discover John has stepped in and stolen the woman Biggs was talking to. Dave is obviously outraged, as are me and Paul, but Biggs describes it as survival of the fittest and we continue our conversation. 2 girls came over and challenged Dave and Biggs to a game of table football, smelling a rat Dave reluctantly accepts and wins game one, they then win game two. “To make it interesting” one of the women bet that the winner of game 3 is owed a drink by the loser, the penny then drops that this is about to be a one sided win with them being a drink better off, but being sportsmanlike Dave accepts and they of course win and claim 2 drinks from the lads. It was fun to watch though and the drinks were cheap, they sat with us talking before disappearing for fags. John by this time has appeared with the woman he stole from Biggs on his arm, we started trying to ruin him.
“Did John ever get that herpes treated Dave??”
“I don’t think he did you know!”
“What about his AIDS???”
I’ve never seen a kiss end so quickly, nor a woman hit me so fast, she turned from Johns face to hitting my arm faster than a bullet, but sadly knew it was only a joke so the rest of our evening she was with us sucking Johns face off. We all chatted a bit more then opted for bed, it had been an extremely long day and as we were going to bed again around 5:30am we found that we had to vacate our rooms by 10am or pay a charge. Again I waited until it felt safe to fall asleep, this time (thinking the last night was probably the most likely night to be attacked) I opted to sleep down the end of my bed so that any unsuspecting attacker would unveil my feet and get confused giving me enough time to protect myself. It took me at least half hour to fall asleep whilst thinking up these defensive plans and by the time we were woken to leave it felt like no time had passed at all. We pulled our things together quickly, dressed and dashed out the door. Downstairs we found that John had never returned to his room that night but had instead opted to spend the night with the woman he met in the bar and her 2 male roommates. We can only presume that he was viciously arse raped the entire night as it is customary for John to disappear with men for this very reason.
After some detective work the lads managed to figure out which room John and his boyfriends were sleeping in, and by this time it was already 10am, luckily he got his things together and left, and they did not charge us, but that did not stop us telling him that we had all pitched in and paid 60 quid for him. Anyone note he never once offered to pay it back?! CUNT!
We went to an American diner and had some breakfast, the most questionable fry up I have had in a long time, and I think my lack of sleep made me more pessimistic towards it than anything. After this we went back to the hostel and watched Spurs v Blackburn. As if to make the weekend perfect they won, and then we decided it was time to leave.
The drive home was relatively quick; Me Chris and Paul went in Chris’ car whilst the lads divided between Biggs and Daves cars. We had to meet at Tesco to arrange payment of parking over the weekend as it was something like £70! I foolishly let my guard down thinking home meant safety and so when Calv suggested we have a group hug of the stag, I reluctantly (expecting SOME kind of danger but not much more than a mild beating) walked into the Frey, only to have my arms gaffer taped to my body and be fully wrapped up. Fortunately they ran out before getting to my legs and I made a dart for freedom, only to slow and be caught and drawn all over with marker pens. I then ran to the car to avoid any further damage and got in to be taken home. The plan was to drop me off first, dump me on the door step and watch Claire’s reaction from afar, she came to the door and I had to greet her from the ground tied up and covered in pen. I waved off the lads and went in to be cleaned and untapped, then regaled everyone with the same story I have just written.
The weekend was complete, I survived and now I know what the next stag has in store for him, something ten times worse!!
I really enjoyed the weekend; everything about it seemed to fall exactly into place. The hostel was spot on, right prices on drink, right music for our group (Even Coheed was played!) Spurs won which meant nothing was taken away from the happiness. More importantly everyone was on top form, aside from upsetting Biggs by getting him muddy everyone else spent the weekend on a relative high. The mud buggies and paintball were excellent choices, and the strip club was a stag do must which went off extremely well, much better than expected!! The club was good but I would have enjoyed it more if I had felt better of course, and the bars we chose to drink in were good ones.
All my things for the weekend have been stored in a bag in my room, I am not sure what to do with them as I want to keep them in one piece to remember things by, but I don’t want them shoved in a box for eternity unseen! I don’t think the mask is really in the condition to be worn by others, as drinking beer from it meant drenching the nose! I also kind of want to keep it as a reminder, my face felt naked without it so I may even have to wear it in private **shifty eyes**
Thanks again to the lads that arranged it, and everyone for coming. Your efforts are extremely appreciated and I am wholeheartedly grateful for everything you put into this weekend. I am lucky to have friends like you guys who know me well enough to make plans for me and who actually like me enough to make the effort to do it. Not everyone gets to have a do arranged for them like this, and having it paid for too is fantastic! It was a massive come down going back to work after enjoying such a brilliant weekend, my only salvation was that the 9 other people who were there that weekend have to go through it at some point too! (I presume...) Although I did say to someone, that anyone not married by the age of 40 gets a default stag do where they get the hazing of a life time for being a loner. So be warned, the loners get it hardest!!!! If they marry after that they still get an even harder stag do for marrying old.
A lot of the pictures from the stag are on face book, I may add to this in future if I think I have missed anything out, it’s getting late and I have read through it twice to be sure. I hope you guys that came enjoyed the weekend as much as I did, and I look forward to all the times ahead we have together. Knowing you are all there through my marriage and as I delve into fatherhood is a massive lift as I know it is not really the end to our shenanigans just a new beginning to my circumstances and a reason for me not to die when we go out drinking!
Thanks again, and thats all from me!
Bass out!
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